The last few weeks have been a blur between trying to get through a full day of work without hiding in the bathrooom for a cry to attempting to pick up the pieces of a life planned.  None of this has been helped by the constant rollarcoaster that has become Beni and I.  Neither ready or able to let go of the person we hoped to build a life around, we have manged to get back together, break up, and date again all in a span of 2 weeks.  Some moments have been reminders of why we were together in the first place and others were hints of why we could never work.  It's become an exhausting pro and cons list, only made worse by our imminent departures.

As part of my attempt to get off the ride, I booked a ticket back home for a month, a move that is admittedly half self preservation, half running away.  And incase none of this was enough, Beni will be returning to Albanian for an unknown amount of time, a move that is half family duty, and half unfair family selfishness.  So with the clock ticking, we have been trying to repair our cracked relationship and come to terms with what may be a very long seperation. 

And all the while, I can't help wondering if the trust has been broken beyond repair.  For me even the good moments have become clouded by doubt and every comment has been laced with a hint of uncertainty.  So the only question left is can love be enough to overcome the fear of being hurt again....or should we cut our losses and try to move on...

I have no idea what the answer is but I'm counting on the fact that a month surrounded by my friends and family will get me a bit closer to figuring it out....

The deep divide

Sometimes things end as beautifully as they began, they take an unexpected turn, and those decisions will leave your life forever changed. I didn't expect the feelings that followed a passionate kiss almost 2 years ago, just as I didn't expect the heartbreak that followed. But with each act, my life is and will be changed forever. In the beginning it was making room in my dishelved life for another and now I will have to find a way to fill the empty spaces he has left. But there aren't enough tchatkis in the world to fill the space, its as if that picture has hung on the wall forever, the outline of something removed is impossible to miss. It's become a constant reminder that things went too far and things have changed without my permission or desire.


But there were one too many fights and one too many differences to keep the pieces together. Neither of us are without blame or fault and we will both have to live with thoughts of what we could have been. Our goodbye was filled with as much love, compassion, and comfort as our hello. Forehead to forehead, entwinded on the couch left us both wondering if we could every really allow the space to come inbetween our embrace. But his fear and my mistakes have driven a deep divide between us, so deep it may never be filled in. It is not a choice I would have made but it is one I will have to live with. I could see in his eyes that he was still the same, that he had not stopped loving me. His words promised that we would be forever connected, forever friends, and forever in the heart of the other. A fact that offers no consollation to how I feel now. But he is not himself, he is broken, and despite all efforts he cannot seem to find the strength or reason to put himself back together again. I can't stop myself from hoping there is a fresh start for us but I know that even time and space may never bring him back even if he wanted to.

But at least for one last time, we meant every hug, every kiss, and could ignore the space between us. I loved him across all borders and boundries but for now it isn't enough to fix it. I will have to find a way to start over, move on, pick up the pieces and try to make London a city that is mine, not ours.