And the guilt sets in....

It takes a lot for me to feel guilty and even when guilt starts to set in I will normally ignore the emotion all together and find someway to justify my actions.  Even when I do something guilt-worthy to a guy I'm dating, the "I'm sorry" blowjob is enough to eleviate all those yucky feelings.  I have felt more guilt the past two days that I have in a very long time.....

I don't necessarily apologize for being here but sometimes I do feel bad for it.  As my Dad went into the hospital for testing, I waited for some honest and direct information, the kind of honesty that I suspect will never come while I am here.  My parents told me minimal information, joking and acting like everything was normal, only to leave me more worried and angry.  I lived an hour from my parents at home and I would have never gotten in the car and driven home to make sure things were ok.  Yet now, an 8 hour flight away, I want nothing more than to jump on a plane and make sure everything is ok.  Things may be fine, but I have a very good suspicion that things are being played up for my benefit, I can't even say I blame them, I do the same here as to not worry anyone.  I couldn't feel more guilty at the moment, I couldnt go home if I wanted, not just because of volcanic ash either, I couldn't even buy a ticket if I had to, a fact that pisses me off to no end!   

That's always how it starts, my meltdowns always start in anger,  and almost always misguided.  Poor Beni was not prepared for my outburst, at this point I can't even remember what he did to ignite my fury but I do know I acted like he had just run over my dog.  I pushed away his hug, turned my check to his kiss, and finally told him to leave me the fuck alone.  I left his bed for a cigerette, my vice allowed him to pour himself a large glass of Jack.  We sat there in silence while he finished his first glass, he poured himself another before apologizing for making me angry.  It didn't take more than a second before I realized, I had just bullied my boyfriend into a fake apology, one only said as a seize fire, a fact I would have been proud of a year ago.  And then my anger melted into uncontrollable tears.  I cried because I can't go home anytime soon.  I cried because I think people are being shady. And I cried because I want my family, my friends, and a fuckin' cheesesteak or two!  And I cried beause I had just treated the person who cares most in this country like shit.  Just like when I was a child, I used so much energy in anger and sadness that I exhausted myself, I began to fall alseep on his lap.  As he carried me up the stairs to bed, he promised he would try his best to get me back to the US this summer.

At this point I cannot accept the fact that I will not be home for another 8 months....