And then there was one....

Welcome back tears, I can't say I missed you or any of the doubts that come along with you.  At least I was prepared this time, I knew it was coming and I came armed with sunglasses to hide my eyes in the aftermath.

Trip # 4 to Heathrow was the hardest, just like I knew it would be.  It was the trip that would leave me on my own again.  Not as alone as I was when I arrived but still more alone than I was the last two weeks.  I felt home while they were here, not home in London but back in Philly home.  As we waited in line for Ash to check her bags, I felt like I was returning too.  It wasn't until the woman made me leave the line and wait over to the side with the rest of people saying goodbye, that it hit me, I was already home, well my home for the forseeable future.

We reached the departure gate, I couldn't go any further.  Then self-preservation set in, I gave a quick shitty hug, said goodbye, and turned at walked away before the tears really started.  I wore sunglasses most of the tube ride to East London.  I cannot stand showing any sign of weakness, especially to men.  But I gave in to it and ran to Beni's.  As soon as he hugged me and asked why I looked so sad, I knew I couldn't stop it.  I cried until there was nothing left, just like I did when I left the Philly airport over two months ago.  I spent the day on his lap, bouncing in between depressed and pathetic, he tried his best to understand but being away from friends and family is something he doesn't comprehend.  Hours later, I felt better, I signed up for this, there will always be momentary setbacks, I need to suck it up and get over it.  Christmas isn't that far away and one day I will be sad to be away from London and my friends here.