I woke up in the sculpted arms of my naked Albanian, his years of construction work obviously visible. He kissed me gently on the forehead and told me liked waking up to me, which marks the second man to say this to me in a month, which is one amazing fact considering I am not cute or sweet in the morning....hell sometimes I'm barely human! Against my better judgement I spent the night with him and capitalized on our sexual chemistry twice the night before and once in the morning. It was exactly the kind of night that would make any girl wake up smiling and I did. It was hours later over lunch with Lawrence that I realized that I have ignored any signs of my own emotional unraveling. It wasn't exactly an epiphany, ist was Lawrence pointing out the fact that I am creating a potentially damaging situation. Aside from any hurt I might cause the Barrister and now Beni, I am creating a stressful and dramatic scenario for myself. As my father pointed out, my life is becoming like an episode of Seinfeld, "a George divided against itself cannot stand". When my one dating world collides/meets my other dating world there will be trouble, Barrister has already collided with my friend world. The Worlds Collide Theory is going to happen, my two dating worlds will collide...eventually.
It might be important to note that I have slept with the same number of men in a month that I did in 3 years in Philly. One of them was a consistent fuck buddy/friend/boyfriend who could never give me what I needed except in bed. Now I have two men who want to give me attention, affection, and what I thought I wanted in Philly. They are the polar opposites of each other, if only I could combine Beni's James Franco face with Barristers intelligence or Beni's strength and assertiveness with Barristers class and awareness. They are both amazing people, kind, compassionate, and committed to making me happy. Yet, if either asked me today to be with them and only them I would decline. I am just realizing how fucked up I might be. I can't say it's all bad, I am having the time of my life with them, each give me something different even in bed. Each wanting to spend the majority of their time with me. Each wanting to take care of me.
I don't know the point I became commitment phobic but I wish I did. Maybe I am making up for years of unfulfilling relationships with men, maybe I am being that girl, maybe I won't commit because one of them could hurt me. I have decided, with the urging of Lawrence, I will be more honest than I am comfortable being with both of them. I will let them both know where they stand and let them decide if they want to continue. I have been on the other end of similar situations and there is nothing worse than finding out you have been exclusive with someone who wasn't to you. The Barrister is aware that I am not exclusive to him, even saying he would wait. Tonight I have to tell him, he may be waiting for a long time and I am seeing someone else, let's see how quickly he accepts it or throws me out on my ass. If I were him, I would throw me out on my ass. Beni is trickier but I will tell him tomorrow after dinner. Curses, I may be back to square one tomorrow.
With that possibility and Lawrence's strong opinion that I am oversexed. We went to a sex shop after lunch. I know, not necessarily what someone that is possibly oversexed needs but I listened to his theory. Since there is no sign of my sex drive deminishing, I should at least be set so that I don't need to booty call one of them. There is nothing funnier than shopping for a vibrator with a straight guy you aren't sleeping with. This is not me giving up sex, that would be crazy, this is me being prepared to get dumped by two men in two days.
Call it my quarter life crisis, my own sexual revolution, my social experiment on myself.....either way it is interesting, at least to me.
It might be important to note that I have slept with the same number of men in a month that I did in 3 years in Philly. One of them was a consistent fuck buddy/friend/boyfriend who could never give me what I needed except in bed. Now I have two men who want to give me attention, affection, and what I thought I wanted in Philly. They are the polar opposites of each other, if only I could combine Beni's James Franco face with Barristers intelligence or Beni's strength and assertiveness with Barristers class and awareness. They are both amazing people, kind, compassionate, and committed to making me happy. Yet, if either asked me today to be with them and only them I would decline. I am just realizing how fucked up I might be. I can't say it's all bad, I am having the time of my life with them, each give me something different even in bed. Each wanting to spend the majority of their time with me. Each wanting to take care of me.
I don't know the point I became commitment phobic but I wish I did. Maybe I am making up for years of unfulfilling relationships with men, maybe I am being that girl, maybe I won't commit because one of them could hurt me. I have decided, with the urging of Lawrence, I will be more honest than I am comfortable being with both of them. I will let them both know where they stand and let them decide if they want to continue. I have been on the other end of similar situations and there is nothing worse than finding out you have been exclusive with someone who wasn't to you. The Barrister is aware that I am not exclusive to him, even saying he would wait. Tonight I have to tell him, he may be waiting for a long time and I am seeing someone else, let's see how quickly he accepts it or throws me out on my ass. If I were him, I would throw me out on my ass. Beni is trickier but I will tell him tomorrow after dinner. Curses, I may be back to square one tomorrow.
With that possibility and Lawrence's strong opinion that I am oversexed. We went to a sex shop after lunch. I know, not necessarily what someone that is possibly oversexed needs but I listened to his theory. Since there is no sign of my sex drive deminishing, I should at least be set so that I don't need to booty call one of them. There is nothing funnier than shopping for a vibrator with a straight guy you aren't sleeping with. This is not me giving up sex, that would be crazy, this is me being prepared to get dumped by two men in two days.
Call it my quarter life crisis, my own sexual revolution, my social experiment on myself.....either way it is interesting, at least to me.
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