It was bound to happen, it's not like I didn't know that. I figured last night with the Barrister would produced any of the following outcomes:
A: He would tell me he understood and still wanted to see me
B: He would tell me he doesn't want to see me anymore
C: He would make me choose between him and Beni
D: He would say he didn't want to know and the converstation would be over
I did not think it would produce E: Me yelling, cursing, walking out, only to be chased down the street by him
I have told some white lies the last couple of days to keep my worlds seperate, a deceitful and somewhat sneaky move. The irony of the night is not lost on me. It did produce the final outcome I was prepared for, the Barrister and I are no longer. I had worked up the courage to be 100% honest with him, up until now he knew that I was not/could not be exclusive with him, seeing other people, and I'm pretty sure he knew I might be sleeping with others as well. He also new there was a blog, I told him almost immediately, I have offered him the blog address twice. I have also told him most of what I have written about him.
I don't admit to knowing his urge to see this blog, I would think that it would be strong. He told me on multiple occassions, he didn't want to know or read it. I trust you, I would never search for it, what purpose would that serve. As I said in a post before, I had a very strong feeling he found the blog. Mainly because he called me one night an hour after posting my concerns about our relationship, he addressed all of them in our conversation. I asked him if he read it, he said no and again repeated similar statements about not wanting to see it.
I went over tonight with one mission, complete honesty. I was prepared to lose both of them but keep some sense of moral grounding. Our conversation would provide him an exit, one I would assume he would take. I mean what man in his right mind is ok with this situation.
He offered me wine, over the first glass he talked about his drunk weekend and the best places to pull girls. I didn't mind except for the fact that this is out of character. I called him on it, he said he was just making conversation. I may not be an Oxford grad but I'm not a moron, something was up and he wanted me to know he could play my game too. I smiled and finally asked when he would admit he was mad at me. He ignored it and continued on about how marriage and kids are only a hope and not a plan. Exactly what I said was my fear in a blog. Previous conversations became clear: In the last week, he questioned my desire to become a Carrie Bradshaw, my overzealous attempt to create excitement for the sole purpose of a blog. There was no question, he read it. I asked him over the wine, he changed the subject and moved on to saying how we are not exclusive, whats the point if one person isn't ready. As long as there are walls and the two don't mix he said, funny that was my blog today!
When he returned from the bathroom, I was direct, "did you find my blog?" He chose this time to be honest, he did...he found it in passing. Impossible! My first suspicion lead me to the egotistical google yourself endeavour. An hour later I hadn't found it, I even used the name and my user name, neither of which are real. He admitted to going in my email. Trust is a funny thing, I didn't think twice about using his computer, fuck I was bringing clothes over to his house, why the fuck would I not use his computer. He doesn't use gmail but I do, so there is no purpose to going on the site, except to try to read my emails. I was still logged in, he felt he was losing ground and what better to handle the situation that to be the person that I want him to be in blog. It was manipulation at its finest.
My blog is public but my email is not. He had to scroll through, open emails, and click on them to find the blog. How many other emails did he read, did he read the ones from my family, my friends, my classmates? I am no angel, in fact maybe I created this animal, but I would never, have never broken someone's privacy. We have known each other for 4 weeks, apparently just enough time for him to stalk my email. He said it just popped up, he didn't realize it was my email....bullshit! There is not a curse word I did not use, he backpeddled, I yelled, he apologized, I yelled some more.
I do not care that he read the blog, I don't care that he found out the details of my sex/snog life, I do care how he did it. I do care that he thought I was too dumb to notice the change in his behavior. I do care that he had the opportunity to have the blog openly and didn't take it. I do care that he attempted to use the blog to become someone he wasn't but thought I wanted.
I left, I was exhausted from yelling, I made it half way before he reached me. He apologized, acknowledged it wasn't helpful, said it was wrong. I told him to go home and read on. He admitted I was honest about my intentions, but he knew he was fucking up and didn't want to lose me, he still wanted to see me. I walked away. I sit now with a text and an email, both apologizing and pleading.
Dear Barrister,
Since I know you are watching and waiting for the next post, here is one just for you. I claim no innocence in any situation but I accept no guilt for your actions. I liked you for who you were, not the you that spent the last week being because you read my blog. I gave you multiple opportunities to read it, you declined. I liked you a lot and maybe if you weren't sneaky and tried to manipulate the situation and just waited a couple months, there was a possibility you could have gotten what you wanted all along. It was not the reading of the blog, it was the searching through my email to find it....especially because I offered you the whole truth. I am sorry for lying to you at any point and I am sorry that I couldn't give you what you wanted. You are a wonderful guy, I honestly believe you have all the best intentions but curiousity got the better of you. Next time just ask, you will be surprised what someone with tell you.
Sincerely,
Mucky pup
AND THEN THERE WAS ONE!
A: He would tell me he understood and still wanted to see me
B: He would tell me he doesn't want to see me anymore
C: He would make me choose between him and Beni
D: He would say he didn't want to know and the converstation would be over
I did not think it would produce E: Me yelling, cursing, walking out, only to be chased down the street by him
I have told some white lies the last couple of days to keep my worlds seperate, a deceitful and somewhat sneaky move. The irony of the night is not lost on me. It did produce the final outcome I was prepared for, the Barrister and I are no longer. I had worked up the courage to be 100% honest with him, up until now he knew that I was not/could not be exclusive with him, seeing other people, and I'm pretty sure he knew I might be sleeping with others as well. He also new there was a blog, I told him almost immediately, I have offered him the blog address twice. I have also told him most of what I have written about him.
I don't admit to knowing his urge to see this blog, I would think that it would be strong. He told me on multiple occassions, he didn't want to know or read it. I trust you, I would never search for it, what purpose would that serve. As I said in a post before, I had a very strong feeling he found the blog. Mainly because he called me one night an hour after posting my concerns about our relationship, he addressed all of them in our conversation. I asked him if he read it, he said no and again repeated similar statements about not wanting to see it.
I went over tonight with one mission, complete honesty. I was prepared to lose both of them but keep some sense of moral grounding. Our conversation would provide him an exit, one I would assume he would take. I mean what man in his right mind is ok with this situation.
He offered me wine, over the first glass he talked about his drunk weekend and the best places to pull girls. I didn't mind except for the fact that this is out of character. I called him on it, he said he was just making conversation. I may not be an Oxford grad but I'm not a moron, something was up and he wanted me to know he could play my game too. I smiled and finally asked when he would admit he was mad at me. He ignored it and continued on about how marriage and kids are only a hope and not a plan. Exactly what I said was my fear in a blog. Previous conversations became clear: In the last week, he questioned my desire to become a Carrie Bradshaw, my overzealous attempt to create excitement for the sole purpose of a blog. There was no question, he read it. I asked him over the wine, he changed the subject and moved on to saying how we are not exclusive, whats the point if one person isn't ready. As long as there are walls and the two don't mix he said, funny that was my blog today!
When he returned from the bathroom, I was direct, "did you find my blog?" He chose this time to be honest, he did...he found it in passing. Impossible! My first suspicion lead me to the egotistical google yourself endeavour. An hour later I hadn't found it, I even used the name and my user name, neither of which are real. He admitted to going in my email. Trust is a funny thing, I didn't think twice about using his computer, fuck I was bringing clothes over to his house, why the fuck would I not use his computer. He doesn't use gmail but I do, so there is no purpose to going on the site, except to try to read my emails. I was still logged in, he felt he was losing ground and what better to handle the situation that to be the person that I want him to be in blog. It was manipulation at its finest.
My blog is public but my email is not. He had to scroll through, open emails, and click on them to find the blog. How many other emails did he read, did he read the ones from my family, my friends, my classmates? I am no angel, in fact maybe I created this animal, but I would never, have never broken someone's privacy. We have known each other for 4 weeks, apparently just enough time for him to stalk my email. He said it just popped up, he didn't realize it was my email....bullshit! There is not a curse word I did not use, he backpeddled, I yelled, he apologized, I yelled some more.
I do not care that he read the blog, I don't care that he found out the details of my sex/snog life, I do care how he did it. I do care that he thought I was too dumb to notice the change in his behavior. I do care that he had the opportunity to have the blog openly and didn't take it. I do care that he attempted to use the blog to become someone he wasn't but thought I wanted.
I left, I was exhausted from yelling, I made it half way before he reached me. He apologized, acknowledged it wasn't helpful, said it was wrong. I told him to go home and read on. He admitted I was honest about my intentions, but he knew he was fucking up and didn't want to lose me, he still wanted to see me. I walked away. I sit now with a text and an email, both apologizing and pleading.
Dear Barrister,
Since I know you are watching and waiting for the next post, here is one just for you. I claim no innocence in any situation but I accept no guilt for your actions. I liked you for who you were, not the you that spent the last week being because you read my blog. I gave you multiple opportunities to read it, you declined. I liked you a lot and maybe if you weren't sneaky and tried to manipulate the situation and just waited a couple months, there was a possibility you could have gotten what you wanted all along. It was not the reading of the blog, it was the searching through my email to find it....especially because I offered you the whole truth. I am sorry for lying to you at any point and I am sorry that I couldn't give you what you wanted. You are a wonderful guy, I honestly believe you have all the best intentions but curiousity got the better of you. Next time just ask, you will be surprised what someone with tell you.
Sincerely,
Mucky pup
AND THEN THERE WAS ONE!
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